Kari Swamp

What can you say about Trump’s choice to be our new ambassador to Jamaica? She is a big-time political loser, having lost races for governor and senator in Arizona. But Kari Lake is so much more.

And she fits in perfectly in the otherworld of election deniers, boastful bigmouths, and assorted cranks Donald Trump has assembled on his team. Kimberly Guilfoyle, move over.

Kari, a former Fox News local anchor in Phoenix, never acknowledged losing the Arizona governor’s race back in 2022. She contested the outcome in the courts for years, coming up as short before judges as her vote count in that election. She said her loss was “B.S.” Sure it was. Because we all know that Republicans simply cannot lose to Democrats. Nor did the result have anything to do with her bad-mouthing Republican Sen. John McCain, who, I understand, was rather popular in the state. Whatever.

She never conceded her 80,000-vote loss in the 2024 U.S. Senate race either, though she did acknowledge it had come to an end. After each humiliation, Kari hung around Mar-a-Lago so long it was suggested that she, um, leave. I guess even Trump gets tired of fluffing fools.

But she did adhere herself like a barnacle long enough to get appointed by Trump to the job of dismantling the Voice of America. She warmed to that task, closing down various foreign language broadcasts to parts of the globe where real news was a valuable commodity. Places like Iran.

But no worries. Her job was to rid the VOA of all its leftist propagandists, and she did the best she could. Now, naturally, some VOA people are being hired back because it was felt they were needed — a feeling Kari Lake has never experienced — in her life.

And by the way, I occasionally would listen to the VOA while I was posted in the Middle East. A more down-the-middle news outlet you would not find. “This is the Voice of America,” the radio announcer would intone on the hour, conveying a sense of pride in his words. It seems so quaint now.

The aforementioned Guilfoyle reigns these days in our Athens embassy, having achieved that posting by being Don Jr,’s ex-girlfriend and a slavish supporter of Trump himself. It was Guilfoyle who was backstage at the Jan. 6 rally on the mall, mugging for the cameras in advance of the Trump-inspired riot to overturn his loss to Joe Biden. Clueless, perhaps. Oh, and Guilfoyle distinguished herself when she was a Fox News host by allegedly regaling her co-workers with tales of her various sexual encounters, too many to enumerate here — fortunately.

Lest I be accused of focusing on awful female ambassadors, I have to point out one Charles Kushner, a disbarred felon found guilty of tax evasion, witness tampering, and illegal campaign contributions, who needed a presidential pardon to get out of jail. But since Kushner is Jared’s pop and a big political donor, Trump really had no dilemma in springing such a fine man so he could take up residence as our chief representative in … wait for it… France. Wanna know who else has held that job? Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin.

Jefferson, Franklin … and Kushner. Kind of rolls right off the tongue.

Anyway, Trump got Charlie the Kush out of jail even though prosecutors said he had — are you paying attention? — hired a prostitute to seduce his brother-in-law, secretly recorded their motel room assignation, and then sent the videotape of the coupling to his own sister. Charlie’s sister. You see, the sister and her husband were cooperating with the feds who were investigating Charlie. But, c’mon! What’s a brother to do? They needed to be punished for being rats. I would keep such details in mind when you read of Jared’s double and triple self-dealing negotiations in the Middle East.

Former Rep. Billy Long is another winner. He bombed as commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service after a stint so brief you would have to look up the dates and squint. So, naturally he was nominated ambassador to Iceland by Trump. Long almost immediately alienated Icelanders by “joking” that he wanted to make Iceland the 52nd state (after Canada maybe?) and get himself named governor. His nomination is still “pending.”

Long could follow the footsteps in Reykjavik of one Jeffrey Ross Gunter. A dermatologist, Gunter had, charitably, little to no diplomatic experience when Trump named him, and apparently even less knowledge of the country who would be hosting him. Gunter wanted armed security following him at all times, as if some Icelander would know who the hell he was. He also wanted to be armed himself, believing Iceland to be a very, very dangerous place instead of what it is — one of the safest countries on earth.

And we can’t overlook Mike Huckabee as ambassador to Israel. A champion of the West Bank settlements, Huckabee is an evangelical Christian who apparently believes in the in-gathering of all the world’s Jews so as to hasten the Second Coming of Christ. It’s too complicated to explain why that would make Jesus return. But this guy is farther to the right politically than about, I don’t know, half of Israel itself. Perfect for such a sensitive post.

These are just a few of the excremental appointments our president has directed as he seeks to Make America Great Again.

So, Kari Lake, come on down! You’ll fit right in.